Lolita Perdurabo

The End to Lolita Perdurabo

For some time I have been feeling a growing need for a new magickal name for myself. I began feeling that ‘Lolita Perdurabo’ stopped reflecting my identity. Sometimes a name can become a ‘curse’ and I can see how this came about in the case of this name.

If I recall correctly I accepted this name at age seventeen when I was still in high school. It was a nick name I used in my indie band ‘core of centre’. I say ‘accepted’ because this name was given to me and originally I didn’t like it. I hated it but because it was given to me by a close friend I concluded that maybe it represents some suppressed aspect of myself with which I need to connect on a deeper level. I concluded that by accepting the name I can absorb its qualities into my personality. It was a magickal challenge to work with my Shadow which I accepted.

I think that at the time the name was an integral part of my magickal growth and transformation but

since then a lot has changed in my life. I moved to another country, I left my band behind, I got my first job… In short, I tasted independence and the hardship of life as an adult. I also stopped hanging around punk and indie rockers and entered the occult community. With that came certain problems in my social life.

Perhaps being called ‘Lolita’ when you’re a teenager has a different flavour to it than when you’re in your twenties. In hindsight, I think this name was sending the wrong message, especially to men. I can’t blame it solely for bad relationships but it doesn’t conjure up positive associations to most minds. To me it represented transcending male and female, the transgendered, but regardless of what meaning it had to me, most people think, even if only subconsciously, of Nabokov’s novel which was a rather grim story.

The other part ‘erdurabo’ was a reference to magical name that Aleister Crowley took on when initiated into the Outer Order of the Golden Dawn and it means ‘I shall endure to the end’. Taking on this name strongly bonded me to Thelema. In my eyes this expressed individuality as understood in Jungian terms. It also enforced the liberation from social and religious dogmas and letting your inner self shine. I never anticipated what other people might make of Thelema. The liberation of the individual became cloaked in religious robes of priestly dogmatism. So my Thelemic name was not only conjuring toxic relationships but also the very thing I was running from when leaving Poland i.e. religious dogmatism.

I also discovered a different, negative side to the name. Many still see Crowley as ‘the wickedest man in the world’. The fruit of such belief expresses itself in a two folded way. Some try at all cost to prove him wrong and others to beat him at ‘wickedness’. Not easy energies to work with, especially if you direct them at yourself by choosing a name such as Perdurabo. This has a deeper meaning, when taking into consideration uncle Al’s infamous fall out with the Golden Dawn. Interestingly it was during his time in the Golden Dawn that Crowley resided at Boleskine, (my personal sacred site I visit on a regular basis). Maybe in light of all this it would be wise not to take on too many features of uncle Al. In the end following in his footsteps doesn’t have to mean enduring the same nightmares.

The name that has had the transformative quality of confronting me with my Shadow has fulfilled its purpose. It has been with me for over 10 years during which I took many opportunities to confront and better understand my difficult relationship to men and especially ‘old men’. I also had a chance to examine and challenge my own dogmatic beliefs and attitudes towards magick and spirituality. Lastly I understood the essential difference between individuality and egoism. I feel that at this point ‘Lolita Perdurabo’ no longer serves its purpose and to cling on to it would be clinging on to a past I prefer to leave behind.

Lolita truly endured to the end and I have no need to endure her any longer.

10 Responses to "The End to Lolita Perdurabo"

  1. Leo Holmes says:

    Wow… this is a deeply awesome thing to witness; metamorphosis… or should I say: Welcome to Citrinitas!!

    Please, let us know how to call you from now on



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  2. Spiral says:

    Names can be so important. As you know @Dana I too had another name, which was also given to me by others and I went by that name for years. Letting it go, finding peace with my family name and taking a magical name of my own choosing were very (if only psychologically) important events


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  3. I am having a similar problem with my name. As Lolita knew, Hippi Condomando was also given to me as an artistic nickname. Condomando was a mockery of my childhood dream to become a commando mixed with a word condom. Condom related to my “boring” tendency to avoid unprotected sex… I never liked “condomando”. I accepted it as a part of my shadow.

    On the contrary Hippi aspect of my name had a strong healing effect on me. My birth name Maria was given to me by my mother who felt strong spiritual connection with Holy Mary- the saint patron/protector of Poland. Apart from strong Christian connotations this name also awoke melancholic, passive side of my personality. Apparently Maria means “mother of waters” which is nice but it’s not good for someone with a tendency to depression. Unlike Maria Hippi sounds energetic and bouncy and it represents my childish excitable self. My husband shortened Hippi to Hip which is even more cheerful. “Hi Hip” brings smile to my face

    However one problem with Hippi is a social context of this name. For many hippi/ hippy means a dirty, lazy stoner or a crazy new-ager playing with crystals. I realise that as an artistic pseudonym Hippi Condomando is a Fool. In some ways it’s good to be a fool and perhaps part of me will always remain a fool. Fool will never gain respect from others though.

    I already know that my real magical name is Tara. On its own it is not good as a pseudonym though- too many Taras out there:-D I need to wait for the “surname” part to reveal itself. It’s been taking a while…

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  4. One more thing- a while ago I had this revelation that in fact every name is a curse. You know for fact that in all magical practices (including Christian exorcism) you can not banish or summon a demon unless he/she reveals their name first.

    A name is a way of distinguishing, defining yourself within your surroundings and it is also the very thing that separates your from rest of your environment. The greatest things remain unnamed, hence unbound. Tao that can be described is not the real Tao.

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  5. Dana Varahi says:

    @hippi That’s a very interesting point! I think that names act like enchantments. They help us find our place in society, our sense of identity. Such enchantment turns into a ‘curse’ when it becomes out of line with ones True Will. I agree that names/identities constitute part of the Spectacle. They do so regardless of our attitude towards them. We can engage in the Spectacle to produce a transformative, liberating performance that will not only change us but also our environment.

    Trust your intuition and the name will come to you. If like myself you find a need for new identity you can begin an active search. It’s bound to be fruitful sooner or later!

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  6. Spiral says:

    I wish I’d seen this post when you posted it

    My middle name is Maria. I had a very strange relationship with that name (at one point I nearly decided to use it as my actual name as it had become a strong personality within myself). After a lot of soul searching I came to the conclusion that the name was somehow bad for me, like that word carries something deeply depressing and heavy. So I banished it. I made peace with it but I don’t use it and I don’t identify it with myself. So strange that you had trouble with that name too!

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  7. Spiral says:

    @hippi See post above ^^^^^^

    (Not sure if you will see a reply without the @ bit )

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