Lolita Perdurabo

Outsiders networking and building frendships.

@sparrowhawk posted an update from his blog with the following quote:

“Socializing is as exhausting as giving blood. People assume we loners are misanthropes, just ­sitting thinking, ‘Oh, people are such a bunch of assholes,’ but it’s really not like that. We just have a smaller tolerance for what it takes to be with others. It means having to perform. I get so tired of communicating.”

Anneli Rufus

In response to which

Hippi Condomando wrote:
Yesterday I spoke to my mate about this very problem- why people can drain you so much sometimes and our conclusion was that it is because they often see meetings as ”networking”. They’re constantly looking for useful contacts and are not interested in you as person unless you can benefit them in some way. I guess that so called ”loners” are rarely of any use to them unless you happen to have a skill that none of their acquaintances have. So they come to you and ask you all the questions about what your job is and where you live etc.
Another thing is that people need to compare themselves with one another all the time. Did you notice that whenever things go badly in your life you don’t feel like seeing anyone? This is because you know that lots of them will be happy to hear bad news from you. it will make them feel better about themselves.
But giving up on people is a mistake! What you need to do is try to find those who are open and who actually care who you are! I was feeling very low in last few days but today after going out and meeting bunch of friends I feel a lot better. Nice people are out there, it is worth looking


This got me thinking again about people relationships and my own attitude to them.

I understand the frustration constant ‘networking’ can cause but I also see networking as an important aspect of creating meaningful, lasting relationships. I do not expect all my friends to become my ‘soul mates’. I like however to see some level of engagement in the relationship and this usually can be judged from peoples actions, from what we can do together.

I find most of people simply boring to the bones and I can’t be bothered wasting my time listening about their latest shopping trip, what team won football mach and latest celebrity gossip. I often find myself so busy doing stuff that I forget it has been 2 weeks since I met anybody and I don’t mind this. I prefer meeting people occasionally but making sure we have something interesting to talk about or something fun to do together. This may mean both leisure and work. I prefer to be on my own in cases where what people have to offer doesn’t interest me. Knowing how busy I can get with creative projects I find it difficult prioritizing meeting people who just want to chat and nothing else for example. I keep in touch with friends who can offer something worth my while.

The balance of giving and taking can be difficult to sustain and I think this causes many relationships to deteriorate and brake. Calculated friendship may not sound very romantic but it seems relations between people come down to it. In most cases the calculation happens in the subconscious without us noticing. If we feel drained after a meeting than possibly in our subconscious we ‘calculated’ a loss and feeling of disappointment follows.

I do not think of people only in terms of usefulness and what they can offer but on the other hand I rarely find people who never offer anything a good friends. If I have to choose between meeting in a pub for another pint or meeting someone who just offered me a short ride to stone circles I will be more attracted to the second offer.

If I notice my ‘friend’ always wants to visit me and they are only interested in what they can get ‘out of me’ I loose interest. This mean I expect people to entertain me or be useful in some way. I also want to be able to reciprocate. I feel more affection to people who accept my invitations and offers. If someone never does but they keep inviting me to their parties, events and so on I begin to feel they aren’t interested in me but only want to ‘show off’. The relationships based on exchange works well for me. To me this constitutes true base for friendship. I can’t handle one-sidedness.

When I talk about usefulness or entertaining qualities in people I do not mean only ‘material’ dimensions. This could mean inspiring dialogue like here on Kia or relaxing influence somebody’s presence have on me, anything really if I feel deep connection to another person.

I find the more I value time I spend on my own the less I expect from the others and the less I expect from them the more they are willing to give.










9 Responses to "Outsiders networking and building frendships."

  1. I agree. I think this also comes down to the principle of free exchange, or free gift economy. Both sides freely give. But if it becomes one-sided then the side that gives and gets nothing back starts to question why they bother, and rightly so.

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  2. Spiral says:

    I often seem to come across the sort of people who appear to only relate to other beings in terms of what they can get out of them. I find it a depressingly ubiquitous attitude, and try to avoid it. This leaves me with little in the way of a social life. Whenever I go to parties I feel like I’m being circled by vultures, the way people will attempt to pick at me for what they can get out of me, if they don’t just stare at my tits or start trying to one up each other with how fantastic they are. So boring. I don’t go to parties anymore. I have far far more fun spending a couple of hours alone and sober in the woods than the same time spent at a party surrounded by people and drunk enough to tolerate it. Its particularly the judgment I can’t stand in ‘socialising’, the snide politics and gloating about other people because they’re so emotionally retarded its the only way they know how to feel good about themselves. Manipulation and deception downright enrage me, yet they seem pretty standard in ‘socialising’ too…

    I know what you mean about going for weeks without really interacting with anyone and not really being bothered, I find that too when I’m working on a project, and I always have at least one project on the go these days. But I do find it very healthy to make sure I spend some time with people who are good for me. Its always nice to have something to do with someone you’re meeting up with, even if its just good conversation. I love good conversation, and its like getting blood from a stone with what most people want to talk about, themselves and the current socially approved trivia, with the inevitable ‘you’re weird’ if I’m not being a social chameleon or decide to fuck with them for fun. Heaven forbid I should be myself *rolls eyes* So important to find time to be with people you can be yourself around, and return them the favour too.

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  3. I am aware of the fact that every relationship is a from of exchange. No healthy relation can come from giving without getting back. However unlike Lolita and Spiral I rarely find other people boring. One explanation for that could be my wide social network built mostly of people who are twisted in lots of different ways. Almost none of them work in office jobs, they also tend to have interesting hobbies and experiences. I can shift between them what means that i am not stuck in any particular group and if I get tired of some people I can avoid them for a while until my attitude changes. The other explanation is that I like listening to other people’s stories. In many ways i think that I’m a material for a writer- I find people fascinating.I like becoming part of their world even for a while just to see what it feels like. One of my ex-s said that every human you meet shows you a piece of universe that you haven’t known before. This is exactly how I try to approach people. If you approach them without expectations and without judgment you’re most likely to discover their inner depth which you haven’t notice before.
    Also there is no such thing as “boring subjects”- you find them boring either because you don’t know much abut them and you’re not able to participate in conversion or because you’re not open towards the topic. Try to reverse this situation and imagine how often you seem boring to someone else? When you’re closed and unwilling to share your world with them why would you expect them to act differently? Just because someone talks about the weather or shopping it doesn’t mean they don’t have anything else to share. They choose topics which they find safe, which don’t expose them to dangers of judgment or criticism from other people. In their hidden private worlds they may be very different people. I know that because I do this myself sometimes- when I feel uncomfortable around someone I often drink more than usual and talk nonsense. People who don’t know me well may as well think that I am a bit stupid…In a way I would like everyone to be my “soulmates”- why not? What really makes it impossible is fact that people are often unwilling to open to one another.

    Coming back to networking- Spiral said she often feels “surrounded by vultures”. That’s the whole problem. I bet that most of these “vultures” feel very similar. We are all living in constant fear. Our society teaches us that we are alone and in order to survive we need to hunt and fight. Nobody likes that but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are trying to “grab” as much money, goods etc as we can and hide in our shelters. We’re constantly afraid of someone robbing us, cheating on us and abusing us. When we’re trying to be different people say we’re naive. I managed to build a wide social network almost spontaneously, just by enjoying the process, without putting much intention in it. I did it by being open not by trying to gain things from people. Although i do admit that it takes time and if you’re guys busy with your own stuff I understand that you may not be willing to do that. I am not an artist and most my projects include other people- i like it more that way

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  4. @Spiral- “people staring at my tits” – I found this tiring as well. It’s been a while since last time I was single and I am getting married soon, so I’m really bored of men constantly trying to chat me up. It was much worse when i was single- now at least everyone knows that I’ve got someone and they give up a lot faster. Still it seems to me that the main reason for people to go clubbing is to find a date. It makes conversations between opposite sexes a lot more awkward…

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  5. lolita says:

    @spiral – I also find conversations with like minded people very inspiring and heartwarming. Most of people I hang around with recently are considerably older than myself so I do not get too much of ‘tits staring’ problem. Many of them are already in long term relationships and this helps.

    Even in small group people have political issues with each other. I find it helps not to get engaged into all this stuff but occasionally everyone can find themselves on the front line caught between fighting factions. I dislike it too.

    Somehow if you do not sleep around with everybody you’re not ‘cool’… ugh…

    @Hippi – I find others insightful but sometimes these insights are of a very gloomy and dark nature. If some views seem to be political and lead to injustice I simply do not want to know them too well.

    I agree with you that it could be great to have everybody for your soul mate but I think the unwillingness to open up may not be the only reason for this to be impossible. I think we simply do not have enough time to meet most of people living in the same city, let alone form deep friendships. Considerable differences between people can make the communication difficult as well.

    I assume that if people do not feel comfortable around me and do not want to share the more interesting side to themselves or if I feel like that than probably we do not fit each other. That’s when I feel situation turns boring. How many of your friends are boxers or love playing football and getting drunk watching striptease, how many of them vote BNP go to Church and want to convert everybody. Do you really want to look deep into their worlds to see this side of universe?

    I have no doubt there is plenty lovely people out there but they aren’t the noisy crowd.

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  6. Spiral says:

    @Hippi: I can find anyone or anything fascinating if I want to. Considering that its rare for anyone to do me the same courtesy and common to get get attempts to take advantage in return though, I don’t really see the point bothering much.

    As for “vultures”, I agree with you in general as to why this may happen, but for me its annoyance rather than fear, mainly at the fact I can do nothing to change other peoples badly wired behaviour, and can only try my best to avoid having it inflicted on me. I sympathise, but I have no wish to allow other people to walk all over me because ‘its not really their fault’. I have similar pressures put upon me and I don’t choose to act that way.

    I like projects in which I can include others in a harmonious way, I really like commissions for that reason. Getting paid remains necessary to do it, but I would collaborate for nothing with certain people if I were independently wealthy.

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  7. Spiral says:

    Haha, yes, it can make it much more awkward. I’m taken but that doesn’t seem to stop chat ups! I don’t mind when its for fun, some male friends will flirt and we both knows its harmless and not going anywhere, but some other guys… I can’t even be friendly. If you’re anything less than rude they take it as an invitation.

    I don’t go clubbing, my main experiences are from other peoples birthday parties and nights out with friends at pubs. I would like to go to more book launches and book events, as the few I’ve been to were really cool and had a completely different atmosphere, people genuinely interested in each other.

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  8. @ Spiral “I can find anyone or anything fascinating if I want to. Considering that its rare for anyone to do me the same courtesy and common to get get attempts to take advantage in return though, I don’t really see the point bothering much”- that’s fair enough.

    @Lolita “I find others insightful but sometimes these insights are of a very gloomy and dark nature”- that’s a whole separate chapter in my head- i guess this type of experience relates back to our discussion of black magic and our dark sides. In some way whatever gloom you see inside them must be a part of you as well, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to see it…

    “How many of your friends are boxers or love playing football and getting drunk watching striptease, how many of them vote BNP go to Church and want to convert everybody. Do you really want to look deep into their worlds to see this side of universe? “- in some way it feels to me that i already know what is there, so i don’t need to explore it any further. Obviously i wouldn’t make friends with them:-D

    When i said i’d like everyone to be my soul mate i meant deeper level of communication, something that goes beyond the personality. Such contact can last literally for minutes. If we mean soul mate as a close friend -that can be more difficult to achieve

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